Friday, July 31, 2009
So all week long, I've started my day with horrible nightmares. Starring Grandmother.
For the first 4 days of the week, they've all focused around dreams that she's in a nursing home and they aren't taking very good care of her. When I told Mark about it yesterday morning, my ever supportive husband laughed at me and told me I was feeling guilty.
See, back in June, I decided that 3 years was long enough. When we moved down here August 6th, 2006, NONE of us considered that 1) I'd be taking care of Mark's Grandmother this long, nor 2) that IF I was doing so, she would have deteriorated as much as she has.
When we got here, it was my job to take care of her house, make the meals, make sure she took her meds, and be here in case she fell.
She's been bed-ridden since October of 2008. I bodily pick her up 2-3 pairs of times a day to place her on a potty chair in her room then back in her bed.... I only outweigh her by about 40 lbs. And her dementia and alzheimer's have progressed as well.
To be honest, most of the time, she's still pretty easy to take care of, even if heavy. But when her memory and diseases are in action...well, I'll just say that I'm thankful that Home Hospice warned us what to expect as they progressed.
Anyway, I've applied to start school, hopefully in about 2 weeks. My youngest will be starting daycare on Monday. My oldest will be starting second grade a week from then. And things are changing in this house. And come the end of August, I don't want to be Grandmother's primary care provider anymore.
But I -do- love her. And I -do- want to be sure that she's still be taken care of. So once I accepted those two facts, I stopped having "Grandmother's in a bad nursing home dreams". And had one that actually got me out of bed.
I woke up this morning, terrified that my youngest had gotten into Grandmother's meds. He hadn't 'tried' a lot of any of them--but considering how small her pills are, and that he doesn't need ANY of them, there was the very real possibility (in the dream) of poisoning/overdose, etc. I woke up in a cold fright, to go check on my kids.
Both of whom were sound asleep, perfectly content in their own beds, with no involvement in my night terrors.
I'm thinking it's all my mind working on getting ready for all the changes-- as there haven't really been ANY in the last 3 years...and now there are going to be lots of them.
When I'm awake, I've VERY excited about getting back on track with our lives. With -my- life. But apparently, while I'm sleeping, I'm also a little nervous about it (;