Current mood: depressed
So it started yesterday morning. The commercials. The ones about "What being a Mother Means." I'm sure you've seen it. It's a montage of Great Mom moments-- Being a Mom means pigtails are always even... Giving 110 %".... I don't know about anyone else, but it was kind of depressing for me.
To be completely honest, I tend to hate Mother's Day. It brings to my mind all the things I'm NOT doing right.
I don't spend all of my time on my kids-- I do some things completely for myself. And this is true -every- day. At least an hour will be completely mine.
I yell way more than I should.
If Mom's in the commercials are the norm, I'm -way- subpar. I love my kids. Don't get me wrong. And I know that they're really good. But there are times, as a stay at home mom, where I want nothing more than to get AWAY from them.I don't have marathon patience. Sometimes, I don't have any at all.
My first inclination is to say "No." I have to think about it, and sometimes reconsider because the answer "Yes" wouldn't hurt anything.
I get frustrated easily and don't always let them just BE kids. And there are so many times and places where they simply CAN'T just be kids-- in other people's homes, at the store... pretty much, in public anywhere that ISN'T a play ground.
I'm not consistent-- If I'm tired, wore out or distracted, they're going to get away with things they wouldn't usually.
I'm known to periodically give in to whining just to not have to hear it anymore.
All in all, the amount of attention my oldest gets is FAR less than the attention my youngest gets, even when they're both here.
I'm not always fair.
Shoot. I'm not always nice either.
I sometimes swear. The fact that I do it at all in front of my kids is a bad thing. I'm really trying to work on this one. So far, the rule is "Sometimes Mommy and Daddy swear...just because you HEAR it doesn't mean you can SAY it. But we shouldn't say them either, so we're working on that."
My kids don't always eat what's on their plate. And hardly eat vegetables at all.
I have junk food in the pantry. And let them chew gum every day (well...almost every day).
At least once a week, we eat pizza and drink soda for dinner.
My house isn't always clean. Alright, my house is -rarely- clean. I figure it's a good day if you can walk through without tripping on anything. That everyone has clean clothes to wear (even if they might be wrinkled) that fit. That they eat consistant meals that attempt to be semi-healthy on clean plates...even if the sink might be full of dirty ones.
I haven't -really- cleaned my house in seven months. I have pet hair hiding in corners. And hand prints on the walls.
And it's messy. Not filthy, but certainly cluttered. There's so many projects in different stages of completion ALL OVER the house-- And to add to that, we're two families under one roof. We live in Mark's Grandmother's house, with all of Mark's Grandmother's stuff--and she moved into this house from a much larger one to begin with! I can't, CAN'T, keep ahead of it. There is NO room to store anything. Things are already stored in it.
We spend way too much time on the computers and watching television. They're on pretty much all day long, even if we're not glued to them (figuratively, of course).
Which also means we're wasting energy, right?
I only mow the yards (front and back) about once ever 2 weeks. I tend to let the grass get mid-shin high before I tackle it with the push mower.
I poison our animals only when I remember they need it-- which is usually about 4 days after they're due and are starting to scratch again. (Ticks, Fleas, heartworms... trust me. That stuff 's poison.)
I store my house cleaners under the kitchen sink.
I don't give my kids baths or a shower -every- night. There might even been 3-5 days between them. But if they're been running around and getting sweaty and dirty, it's definitely a bathe night...which I guess means I don't let my kids run around and get sweaty and dirty often enough... They're pretty clean for little boys...
I periodically let them wear the same clothes for more than a single day. Okay, that really more applies to my youngest. He sometimes wants to continue to wear his pajamas... Or the same Super Man shirt. But at least, if he gets dirty, or gets his clothes dirty, we immediately change them...and sometimes, that can mean he goes through up to six outfits in a day.
I think it might be easier if I was working and my youngest was in daycare-- LOL. All I can think about is that saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." He spends -way- too much time with me, and I think it makes it harder on both of us.
I don't know how my Grandmothers did it. All I can figure is they took advantage of their own parents and their sisters/ Aunts, since I still hear stories of the extended family and being watched by Grandma or Aunt so and so. I suppose I could try a bit of that-- after all, a selection of Mark's family is around here... but that's the thing. It's MARK's family.... not mine. It's different to ask things of your inlaws. And I know my Mom did a lot more with Babysitters... But she didn't take us to a baby sitter just so she could clean the house without being followed around and distracted!
And to add to my feelings, last night was the final PAC (think PTA) meeting at my oldest's school. My youngest wouldn't sit still. And the kids on stage performed an adorable song (that my oldest knew as well) called "Seven Days a Week"-- where one of the lines is "Seven Days a week-- more time to spend together"... and I -always- feel like I'm not spending enough time with them. I always feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to do what needs done. That my to-do list is ever going and ever growing...and it's just another thing I can't get ahead of.... I get tired of feeling like I'm -always- behind.
Jack Nicholson's character in Witches of Eastwick talking to Cher's character comes to mind:"And house cleaning.
You clean up the dirt, there's just more dirt tomorrow.
Make the beds, they just have to be made tomorrow.
Wash the dishes. There's more to wash tomorrow.
-I have to make-- -Make dinner?
It just gets eaten.
You've done your best, Alex.
You've done the wife bit, the motherhood bit.
The car pools, the vegetable garden...
...needlepoint, the macramé potholders...
...a cup of coffee with a neighbor in the morning...
...a couple of drinks, a couple of pills...
...a little psychoanalysis....
Where are you now, Alex?"
And to top it off, I didn't sleep a wink last night. I had nightmares about how fast my boys are growing up. They won't need me like they do now forever. Time is getting short and I don't know how to become the Mom I see on television.
Perhaps I'm not giving my best. Perhaps I -am-...and it's simply not good enough.
Sigh. Just feeling inadaquate as a Mom. It happens this time of year.