Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Adventures in Bedtime

So my boys asked to snuggle tonight.  As my youngest and I were getting ready for his turn, I noticed he hadn't cleaned his room...again.  I told him I was very disappointed and he'd be losing his privileges until it's clean.  He was so unhappy with this announcement that when it was time to snuggle and I asked how his day at school had been, he buried his head under the pillow and shouted, "Horrible!"

I said, "It was Horrible?!?!" And he grumbled, "Yes!  It was -HORRIBLE-!"

So I said, "Okay.  Tell me what was the most horrible part of lunch!"

He said, "I had gravy!"

I said, "You had gravy?..."

(and in this moment, the boy remembered he likes gravy...particularly with mashed potatoes)

 ..."Well...the gravy was good.  I also had mashed potatoes.  And an orange."

"So what was horrible about lunch?"

"The orange had a seed in it!"

I said, "Oh NO!"

I looked just like that.

"The horrors!  The orange. had. A. SEED!!!"

^ Now -that- is a scary orange!

And he growled, "I could have choked!"

I said, "True.  True!  Well then we'll both be very grateful that you didn't!...So...tell me the most horrible thing about PE today!"

"All of it!"

"Really?  All of it?"


"Okay.  You have to give me all the gory, terrible, horrible details!"

"We started two games and didn't get to finish -either- of them before PE was all over!"

"That IS terrible!..... what were the games?"

"I don't know what it was called."

"...Was it 'Tag'?"

"I'm not in TAG."

"No, honey.  Wrong Tag.  I meant 'Tag'."

(and touched his shoulder.)

He rolled away buried back under the pillow, "We're not allowed to play tag."

(Defeated.) "Oh." (Excited again.) "Was it dodge ball?"

"We don't have the right kind of ball."

"Oh.... Was it kick ball?"

"We didn't play with a ball, Mom.  It was  running six times around the cones and then sitting down at the cones and they pull numbers out of a hat to see if you're out and you don't get a prize."

"Oh!...So they kind of combined 'Duck, Duck, Goose' and a Cake Walk..."

"Yea, but then we had to leave and we didn't get to play very long!" (As he dodged back under the pillow.)

"Well that IS terrible!....  Did you have to read today?"


"What did you have to read today?"

"They made me read four whole chapters!"

(As I leaned in conspiratorially) "But that's not horrible!  It means you can read four whole chapters!  And I bet you learned something new."

"Uh-uh! We took turns.  I didn't have to read the whole thing.  It was the whole blue group."

No.  Not them.

(In mock horror) "Oh No!  You had to listen to -other people- reading?!?  ...That's HORRIBLE!"

"...It wasn't -that- bad, Mom."

"Oh....well how about writing?  I bet they had you writing today.  And I bet -that- was horrible!"

"The writing was actually pretty fun."

"WHAT?!?  -Fun- snuck  in on this horrible day?!?"

"Well...we didn't get to finish...."

(Hopefully) "That sounds like it might be horrible!... But tell me more about this interrupting 'fun' thing you were doing."

"We had to write and then we got to make a pumpkin!"

"Oooo!  What kind of pumpkin?  Was it drawn? Or cut and glued? Or 3D?"

"It was already drawn, Mom.  But we got to draw on it and make scary monster faces."

(In absolute terror) "Scary monster faces?!?!  OH NO!!!"

(giggle from under the pillow)

"What -kind- of scary monster faces?!?"

"I gave it big scary monster eyes" (A squeak from me.) "and a big scary monster nose." (A moan and tremble from me) "but we had to stop" (back to grumping under the pillow) "and I didn't get to give it a mouth!"

(shaking in terror) "...Well....what -kind- of mouth were going to give this scary monster?..." (He peeks at me from under the pillow)

(waving my fingers in front of my mouth) "Would it be tentacles?" (He raised his eye brow skeptically.) "Tentacles can be scary!" (as I picture Cthulhu).

Man!  ^ That would have -totally- sold him on the scariness of tentacles!

" about... FANGS" (as my fingers become fangs and I lunge towards him.)  He giggles, leaves the pillow and says, "How about -spikes-?!" (and I quake and moan.)  He says, "How about -Fire-?!" and I tremble and shriek, "Oooo!  Fire would be -scary-!"  And he giggles and says, "What if it was a GIANT fire?!"

"That would be -terrible-!"

"What if it was a giant pumpkin with both spikes AND fire?!?"

"Oh No!  THAT would be terrifying!  That would be the most scary pumpkin -EVER-!!"

And he outright laughed and gave me a hug before heading off to bed.

My oldest and I got into a discussion about girls.  (Aack!!!)  He told me he wouldn't mind kissing a girl.  And I told him:

"Mom...I found out in second grade that cooties aren't real."

"Yes they are!  And...And...And GIRLS have them!!!"

As he laughed, "Then I want cooties, Mom!"

"Aack!!  No you don't!  No cooties for you!  ...And NO kissing girls!!"

"Yes. Mom.  Woohoo! Cooties!"

"Aack!!!  That's It!  I'm just going to have to kiss your father in front of you!  That's sufficiently icky!"

"I've seen you kiss Dad plenty of times.  And it's not that bad."

"Yes it is! ...It's horrible!...It's....It's...scarring?  Yes!  Scarring!  You've been -scarred- by seeing me kiss your Daddy!  Because...because ...(lamely) it's icky, right?"

Giggling, "No, Mom."

"Well! about your Grandpa Tom!  HE knows it's icky!  Why! He only kisses Grandma Judy -once- a year!"

"Grandpa Tom is feeling old and cranky."

Pausing to reflect, "Okay...maybe Grandpa Tom IS feeling a little old and cranky...but he still only kisses Grandma Judy once a year.... POOR Grandma Judy!"

As he laughs at me, "I'm -telling-!  I'm telling Grandpa Tom you said he was old and cranky!"

In indignation, "I did no such thing!...I merely agreed with YOU when you said it! (He laughs) ...It's totally different."

And then he asked for a glass of water.  I told him sure.  He asked if he could get it from the fridge.  I said sure....and verbally remembered, "Hmmm...I'm going to have to throw the cabbage in the fridge away.... It's been there for -17 days-!  If I don't get it soon...(as I ran my hands like a slow moving blob up his arm and onto his head) it's going to leave the fridge on it's own and come looking for me!"

He laughed and said, "Then I'll just get my airsoft gun and shoot it."

At that point, I couldn't stop laughing".... How do you kill a zombie cabbage?.... You shoot it in the head.

(Get it?  Shoot it in the head? ....HEAD of cabbage?)  It's ALL head!"

He rolled his eyes, hugged me and told me I must be insane.  I said, "You know:

(which, it turns out, is actually a quote!)
 He groaned, shook his head and said, "You know GOOFY is hereditary too, right?"

I squealed, pushed him lightly away and started brushing the goofy off of me, "Aack!  No!  You can have your goofy back!"

He laughed, gave me a hug, and said, "It's way too late for YOU, Mom.  You're stuck with that goofy.  It's not mine.... I'm pretty sure you were born that way..."

Rotten kid. (;

Although...he -may- have a point...

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